Ako si Vanjohnn

Walking in the mall is not exactly my favorite thing to do. I remember when I was a kid I would die of boredom because my mother would take forever  choosing item after item. One thing I do remember, I didn’t mind in the end because dad or mom would buy something to cheer us up and most importantly, I was always with my family so I was never alone.

Back then there was the “Orbitz” which had the picture of Rico Yan (may he rest in peace). Mom loved the sago from Orbitz so she also gave us the chance to have one drink for each of us who helped in the groceries.

But now I’ve taken the step away from my childhood and teenage life and I find myself traversing the same paths of the same mall which I am so familiar with.

Many things have changed and even now there are new paths strewn with the old one. The only thing that moves me is the idea that now I go around the mall alone.

I grew up not having a barkada and those that I refer to as my best friends all have their own barkadas. So in almost all days that I’m in the mall, I walk alone.

I just finished lunch in the food court and I decided to walk around the mall just to “burn” what I ate before I head off to my next destination. My face is deeply buried in my smart phone as I’m going through the several emails flowing in. There were just so many things to do: Graduation application, Med school enrollment, and the BIG event in Saturday.

I was quite confident that everyone wasn’t as preoccupied as I was with their own cellphones so I grew more careless with walking the same route I usually go to in this particular mall. What I didn’t expect was a suddenly huge collision with another person and then I see my phone flying in the air and crashing THUD on the floor.

“I’m so so so so sorry! I didn’t see you walking towards me. I’ve been really absent minded lately. Is your phone okay?”

Normally I would be extremely pissed off especially since the pressure has been building up in my head but when I looked up to see the victim of my usually inevitable lecture about being careful of other people, I was caught off-guard to see the most beautiful eyes looking back at me.

“Uhm, sure, it’s fine I guess. Are you okay?”

“Yep, I’m fine… well sorta.”

“What do you mean, did I hurt you? I should have also looked where I was going, I’m really sorry Miss.” (though I would usually sincerely believe it would be her fault)

“Nah, you didn’t do any damage. I’m Marianne by the way.”

“Johnn. This must be really awkward..”

“Yeah, hehe..”

(awkward silence)

“Hey, that’s a really nice pendant you have there.” (she says this while pointing at my scorpion pendant)

“Thanks, my friend bought this for me while she was in Palawan.”

“She, a girlfriend perhaps? *smiles*”

“Nope, well she’s a girl,and she’s a friend but not what you have in mind.”

“So what’s a guy like you going around in the mall ALONE.”

“What do you mean a guy like me? You know for a girl I’ve just met, you’re quite the interviewer.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to keep my mind off things.”

“What things?”

“Nothing, it’s just that you also remind me of my best friend. He always seemed so obsessed with his gadgets.”

“Well, we boys will be boys.”

“So, uhm, do you have Facebook?”

Just then my phone vibrates three times and once again I’m reminded of the tons of emails piling up which needs responding in the soonest possible time.

I go over to the restroom and wash my face. I shake my head in the hopes of shaking off the traces of the daydream. Then I take a step out of my imagination.

Once more, I’m walking in the mall… alone.

guys these are the songs, sorry if I changed the first song. See you all tomorrow!

As if we’re really bright! (Dynamite)
I came to move (3x) get out the way
I’m reading books (3x)
Get out my face, im sick by you(3X)
Come talk to me when I am through(4X) Yeah
Cuz it goes on and on and on
And it goes on and on and on yeah

Chorus:

I throws my hands up in the air sometimes
Saying no-oh! I won’t fail yo!
I flip the pages and just read all night!
Saying hey-oh! And then I know more!
Cuz we stay up all night, we goin rock this class
We goin Ace this test, as if we’re really bright!
But then I failed it once, then I passed it twice
And then I ask myself, am I really bright?

The Scary CI (Phantom of the Opera)
You see me failing them, and you’re all next!
The nightmare has begun, and it won’t stop!
The tests I’m giving you, will make you cry!
I am, the CI you will always fear…
to fail you now!
Flat 5! Flat 5! Flat 5!! Muaahhahaha!!

You’re going to be Okay
Solo:
What’s going to happen?
What does the future hold, oh will I be alright?
And when will be the day, that everything’s okay..
What’s going to happen to me?
Chorus:
You’re going to be okay, that’s what’s going to happen
Everything’s okay. We’re right here beside you, we won’t let you slip away.
And for tomorrow, we swear to you, you’re going to be okay.
Solo:
I’m going to be okay.
Chorus:
That’s what’s going to happen.
Everything’s okay. And when the day is over, you can wipe your tears away.
Because you know now, we need not be afraid, we’re going to be okay..
We’re going to be okay..

Go the Distance (modified)
I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a great warm welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I’m meant to be

I will find my way
I can go the distance
I’ll be there someday
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I will go almost anywhere
To feel like I belong
Crescendo
Like a shooting star (where I belong)
I will go the distance
I will search the world (we will go far)
I will face its harms
I don’t care how far
we will go the distance
Till I find a Velezian’s welcome
Waiting in your arms…

Firework
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what you’re worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what you’re worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Mark this day as the day you faltered.

Remember how you let your weakness get the better of you.

Remember how it felt.

Remember how it weakened you.

Remember how much regret it weighed on you.

But most importantly, remember how it wasn’t worth it.

IT WAS NOT WORTH IT.

Now your first great fall in battle, but let that be your learning way towards Victory in War.

Taste the ground, and remember just how bad it tastes so that you will always stay standing.

It took a slap for me to learn.

Did I get recently slapped? Well physically no, but mentally, emotionally, and I guess you can say spiritually.

I’m a person who is afraid to make mistakes. I guess growing up in a typical Chinese family where the mother was praised for enforcing a form of punishment on the child thus associating mistakes with fear.

However that did not change my bad habit of making mistakes secretly. I constantly made mistakes to feed my weaknesses.

Like any weak, unsure, and random direction, I decided to stop feeding my weaknesses. It worked out for sometime until I caved in under all the pressure.

Then just as I thought I could get away with it, I got a slap.. One of the hardest slaps I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.

Then just like that, it woke me. I got off from the ground, looked into a real mirror and I cringed.

“Is that me? What have I done? What have I become?”

Thoughts started racing my head and I got dizzy with confusion and regret. Thankfully this whole learning process won’t have me dwelling in regret and self pity in the whole process.

I took a walk to the basin, washed my face, washed my eyes (yes they need washing) and looked again.

“There’s a progress.. You don’t look like shit anymore, maybe in due time you can look more human..”

(What is it with me and talking to myself?)

So here I am, making that struggling journey to stay awake the whole road through..

So to quote St. Jose Maria Escriva

“To begin is for everyone, to persevere is for saints.“

A Door

There once was a door
Open it was no more
locked and closed like that
hinged no matter what

The door was closed by fear
uncertainty to whoever came near
but then came a single wanderer
her beauty and radiance brighter

Behind the door a keeper
fragile, unsure, a loner
he cursed the name of fate
heart confused with hate

But seeing such a beautiful exception
a rare, unique creation
that moved him to reconsider
what’s beyond that door would matter

So out from his pocket a key
which no man did ever see
what once he so long hid
under the door it slid

And there lay down the key
the wanderer bent on one knee
for in her hands she bore
The key to open the door

-Johnn (March 3, 2011)

I have a good number of fears in my life but I have but one fear that no psychological rehabilitation can fix. I fear death.

Even scarier than physical death, is spiritual death.

One assurance as a Catholic, in the daily sufferings in this physical world is the promise of eternal peace. That eternal peace which no mortal can describe is such that I seek with faith and yet I cannot fully explain it myself. Without this assurance, life for me becomes a meaningless search for the satisfaction of my physical desires of material goods and other earthly desires which are as good as the flames of a burning forest: Strong, intense and unquenchable.

In our religion class we were taught of the two kinds of evil. One was where manifestations of evil were obvious and downright despised, such as the demonic possessions, supernatural occurrences, and even truly evil acts such as murder, hatred and the like.

The other kind of evil which most of us disregard as nothing, is the evil that we cannot see. I fear that this evil has taken over. This evil is so subtle it takes over me without even me knowing it.

I have let my obsession for material goods and self-esteem feeding take over and let my pride cover my face and impatience take hold of my shoulder.

What happened to selflessness, charity, benevolence, and cheerfulness? Is it really worth giving up these values to make way for these unnoticed possessions in my spirit?

I fear that I have forgotten these values and I may as well be on my way to spiritual death.

Lord, restless is my heart till it rests in you. I have come to you as sinner in need of a healer, as a sick man in need of a doctor, as a troubled child in need of a family, and as a lost man in need of a pathway. Hear me, heal me, save me.

It’s almost Christmas so I decided to make another wishlist. Making these wishlist does make me feel good. Before I start making a new one I would like to re-evaluate my previous wishlist:

1. Bluetooth headset  still couldn’t afford it
2. Skullcandy headset (or any form of really nice sounds headset) I bought Zumreed instead but I stepped on it and that was that
3. Canon 550D (yesh, I realize that the 7D is just not within my reach) achuli I got the 7D
4. Sigma or Canon Lens f/2.8 70-200mm because I got the 7D the lens just had to wait
5. Teleconverter X2.0 again I couldn’t afford it
6. Macro reverse thingy, you know, like what maki used still not practical as of the moment
7. UWA   again I haz no cash
8. Unlimited internet service every month I think I got this but technically it’s BIS but hey, at least somewhat like it.
9. A micro four thirds camera (and my camera madness just doesn’t stop now does it  ) I must really be dreaming if I even thought I could still get that
10. A year’s subscription to HWM (it’s just too bad this can only be done in Manila T_T) I know it’s a wishlist but I know I shouldn’t have wished for something i couldn’t have.

So that’s a total score of 2/10. Not bad :p not bad at all. And here I thought I won’t be able to get any of these.

And after that wishlist I have learned some VERY valuable lessons about practicality and being realistic. So here’s my practical wishlist for this Christmas:

1. Bentley or BMW
2. Trip for 1 to HK Ocean Park, Singapore Jurong Bird park, and San Diego Zoo

… okay okay, I’m kidding so let’s get serious:

1. Sigma OS 150-500mm
2. Canon Speedlite 580EX II
3. Macro reverse ring thingy (okay MAYBE THIS TIME I’ll get it)
4. R-Strap or Q-strap
5. BG for Artemis 7D
6. Globe MyFi
7. Sulcata Tortoise or Sugar Glider (haha, this is a result from working in a zoo)
8. Latest Eee pC 12inch (something for my HD videos)
9. An Android Tablet (please, none of those 5-6kphp ones)
10. Canon S95 (okay so no more Micro four thirds but let’s try digicam nalang)

I guess that’s what my wishlist is for now. Let’s see how much this will score when I make my third wishlist soon.

LESSON:

Dreams do come true, you just gotta make them happen.

Dear myself,

After you watched the Social Network with Iggy (you got the free tickets from DitoNa.com contest thing which you helped promote) you felt inspired to do a lot of things.

But apparently staying up late still isn’t something you can easily do. The Pepsi max just didn’t have that caffeine kick you need. Just when you thought you were supposed to get your driver’s license too many just came up huh? Well procrastination has been your weakness for quite some time now. Work on it will ya.

The Social Network did wake you on the idea that things can happen if you ACT NOW. Whew. So wake up, and start working. oh go to sleep now though cuz you still have class the next day.

Good luck with your last full semester in College.